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October 25, 2008 at 8:11 pm
danbochner
Hi, my name is Dr. Dan Bochner. I am a psychologist with a practice in Sausalito. I am the author of one book that is used in training psychologists, entitled “The Therapist’s Use of Self in Family Therapy.” I am currently writing a second book for popular consumption made up of articles derived from issues that regularly come up in my office. I was thinking that this forum might be a good place for me to print some of the articles related to child rearing. I look forward to your comments. You can find out more about me at DrBochner.com.
EMOTIONAL SPACE
by Dr. Dan Bochner
Did you know that emotions take up space as well as time and energy? Have you ever noticed that emotions can crowd a room or that when one person is very emotional others tend to tone their emotions down (except in mass hysteria where a competition for emotional prominence ensues). When one person is having great difficulty, others tend to come to their aid. Others get out of the way when another person is being especially aggressive or obnoxious. When two parents in a family tend to fight, the first reaction of young children is to be as good as possible with hope that their parents will fight less. When someone is expressing emotion, that expression is generally dealt with immediately. It takes precedence over everything else that is going on.
The concept of “emotional space” is little known, but it helps explain why even some healthy people can find themselves in difficult situations with emotionally unhealthy people. It is important to realize, of course, that there are appropriate times for emotions to be expressed. If a mentally healthy person really gets upset, they typically should express the feeling to someone at some time. Also, the less controlled expression of emotions is expected from children. The younger a child is, the more desperately they perceive their emotions, and thus they express them more immediately and more dramatically. There can be a problem, however, with people taking up too much “emotional space” when it is not developmentally appropriate.
This problem is most difficult to understand when the person who is emoting too much is most influenced by someone who really has no problem handling their own emotions. Believe it or not, there is such a thing as being too emotionally controlled. What I mean by this, however, is not that the emotionally controlled person has reached a perfect balance in life. Quite to the contrary, the problem here is that such a person has not learned to balance the overwhelming amount of love, luck, and good discipline they have experienced in their lives with the idea that others should not be allowed to take advantage of them or treat them badly. Often, the emotionally controlled person will allow others to hurt them or not take them seriously because they have the inner strength to maintain their self-esteem in the face of maltreatment.
It is necessary to make a side point here in differentiating the emotionally controlled person from other persons who have greater difficulties. There are many people who allow others to treat them poorly for reasons that are quite different than those I have mentioned above. A person can allow others to treat them poorly because they are desperate for approval and love, and will cling to others no matter how bad they are treated. But the emotionally controlled person rarely stays in a bad relationship for too long. Although such a person might not be direct in handling a conflict, behavior aimed at them that is abusive is so inconsistent with how they see themselves that they will often find a way out of relationships that do not fit them. They rarely will stay if someone is not treating them in a way that is consistent with how they have been treated in the past.
There is one caveat to that suggestion, however. What happens when an emotionally controlled person has children? It is a common occurrence for such a person to meet another person, a spouse, with similar strength. That is, of course, such a person feels good when with someone who is used to being treated well, has received good and fair discipline, and thus treats others well. When the emotionally controlled couple have children, however, problems can arise because they provide too much “emotional space” for their children. There can be a tendency to allow too much attitude, anger, or neediness to go without equal amounts of discipline and responsibility since, as a parent, the emotionally controlled person feels the ability to put up with a lot without letting it get him or her down. No matter how the kids act, the emotionally controlled person is able to deal with it without getting upset. But when that happens, the child does not benefit from having to take responsibility for his effect on his parents. He is given too much “emotional space” and thus has too much room to act out (angry or irrational or spoiled).
The “only child” is often the worst case scenario. Only children, especially when they have two parents, have parents who can respond to their every protest, distress, or displeasure. If those parents are relatively mentally healthy, and generally emotionally controlled, then the emotional space provided is almost endless. Exacerbating the accessability and willingness of such parents is the fact that the only child does not have to share the parents, or anything else for that matter, with a sibling or siblings. Only children often never learn to control their emotions or needs because there has never in their lives been a need to do so.
The essential element here is that people need to learn how to accomodate their behavior to others and take responsibility for the effect of their emotions on others. When others are too accomodating to them, they never learn. Sometimes, when a person has never learned to accomodate to others, they are very aggressive and tend to get their way. The problem with that is, of course, that they never develop any intimacy with others, and they often end up lonely (even though they seem to be in control of everything).
Emotional control is a necessary and important aspect of living, but there is such a thing as controlling yourself too much. You cannot afford to let anyone close to you treat you less than respectfully, even if you are strong enough to handle your emotions in the face of that treatment. If it is someone who is supposed to be your equal, they need to know their behavior is unacceptable and that, if it continues, they will have to deal with the consequences. That is, you will leave.
If it is your child, there are consequences for them, too. For children the consequence of less than respectful and appreciative behavior, let alone aggressive behavior, should be that they have to deal with your angry or hurt feelings (if you get angry too much, then you will be guilty of taking up too much emotional space – anger is typically used to grab emotional space when a person is afraid they will not get enough). If they truly care about you, which almost all children do, they will not feel comfortable when you are angry or hurt. If you bring up your real feelings (and in the case of children they need to deal with material consequences as well), you are taking up the emotional space that they will take up if you do not. You will be taking up the emotional space that is rightly yours.
So, be good to yourself. Take up the space you deserve, and do not let anyone intrude without some kind of repercussion. If someone is hurting you to the point that you cannot be with them any longer, or if you need to show that you absolutely will not tolerate their behavior any longer, then anger is likely the most appropriate response. But if the person is one with whom you want to be closer, or if that person is a child, as much as possible let them know that you are hurt or disappointed and make sure they have to deal with some real consequences.